This is not a post about my experience of child-birth, because there’s nothing much to tell. I had two and they were both over within few hours, had no complications and were in general good experiences. I guess I am one of those who had it easy at giving birth.
But what I wanted to tell you about, are the moments that I now find hilarious but at that moment weren’t as much. The main actors here are doctors, doctor practitioners, midwives and of course my husband!
The evening of child-birth – at home:
Me: Honey, I think we have to go to the hospital. My contractions are 4 min apart!
Husband: OK! Just wait few minutes, I have to shower and shave! We don’t know how long we will be in the hospital!
In the hospital:
Seeing my husband in paper slippers, hat and over-cover. Ha, priceless! And he was worried about his beard and smelling good! haha…
Midwife: You want some pain relievers?
Midwife: I’ll give you some laughing gas.
And I start inhaling and inhaling as the pain goes stronger. And in time I grab my husband and say: This isn’t working!!!
Husband: Oh, honey, you ripped it of the cylinder!
The birth starts…First there was 1 doctor, then there was 4. One midwife was on top of me, like a sumo fighter jumping on my belly, pushing my baby out! Is that normal? My husband’s look wasn’t too sure about that…Then as baby started to come out, the midwife said to my husband: Do you want to look?
Husband looked and said: What is this?
First day after in hospital room:
You know how you feel after giving birth – it rhymes with fit but couldn’t be further from it! All you want is some peace and quiet, to relax a bit, sleep for the whole 2 minutes and have some alone time.. What a beautiful dream, because I woke up in a nightmare! Imagine, they put you in a room that is already overcrowded with 6 moms and their newborns and the nurses put your bed – stay with me – under the f… window in the middle of the room! You have your newborn in his little bed – that isn’t really a bed but a huge plastic bowl and can’t even take your baby out without making some moves that I’m quite sure newborns aren’t suppose to handle. No place to put your stuff away, with all eyes on you, since you’re the last that came in and you have absolutely no clue of what to do with your baby! I felt like crying, I wanted to go home, I wanted some of that laughing gas – a lot of it.
First check-up for me:
The doctor came in. But so did the ten other doctor practitioners! Should I feel like a star of the day?! Well, I didn’t mind, after all they have to learn, right? Anyway, the check-up starts..
Doctor (to one of the – very scared – practitioner): Can you please check her uterus?
Practitioner: Yes. (comes to me and places HIS hands on my belly. He’s so gentle, I don’t think he can feel anything..
Me: You can press a bit stronger, you know. It doesn’t hurt.
Practitioner (goes all red): No, I’m fine. (turns to the doctor): I don’t feel it. It’s not there.
Me: WTF????!!!!! (just thinking that – where did my uterus go?)
Doctor: Try again, press harder.
Practitioner (presses a tiny little bit harder): Oh, yes, now I can feel it! But what are this lumps here?
Doctor (finally decides to check it himself): Oh, this are just the muscles. (turns to me): You must be doing sports, right? Everything is just fine, misses.
Me: (the only thing after the s..that went on): OK
Where did my dignity go?
Nurse: Let’s check up your bed. Please stand up.
I stand up.
Nurse: Oh, your bleeding came trough, again. Don’t you have enough sanitary pads? Show me how much do you bleed!
Me (all embarrassed and all) : I have to go to the toilet. (and my dignity out the window)
Is it also with your doctors, but with ours is so, that you have to go to the toilet, the real deal! at least once before they release you from the hospital. Now, I have problems with my digestion in general. So, doing it in hospital, within two days, was a BIG challenge for me. Imagine my thrill when I did it the second day in the morning!
Nurse: Do you need any laxative?
Me: (with all the excitement in me): No, I just went!! Yes!
And so did my dignity. Out the window, again!
So, that was my best of collection. What are your memories, that you find funny now, but were not as funny back then? Share with us!